Chronicles of a Mary-Sue in Slytherin
by The Mediocre Papyrus
Summary: Amber Sparkles Indigo Moonlight Jones, the perfect gorgeous powerful Mary-Sue, has started at Hogwarts. Everybody loves her - except for Megan, a Slytherin girl who is the only sane one there. But Amber can't allow that! Everybody at Hogwarts has to love her, or suffer the consequences!
1. Meet our Mary-Sue

**Hello, friends. This story is not in the least bit serious. It's intention is to make you laugh, nothing more. I don't actually write like this. It's meant to be bad, the characters are meant to be OOC, and the Mary-Sue main character is supposed to be horrible. So sit back, relax, and (don't) enjoy!**

Hi! My name is Amber Sparkles Indigo Moonlight Jones! I'm really tall and really slim but I have really big knockers which all the boys love! I have huge Amber eyes which is how I got my name and really long silky hair that changes color but is usually bright sparkly purple! I'm really super pretty and all the boys love me so much but I only love one! I'm Harry's sister, Draco's daughter, Hermione's cousin, Ron's daughter, Dumbledore's niece and McGonagall's daughter! My best friend is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (luv ya girl) who loves me even though I'm a prep! I'm eleven but I look seventeen. Today I moved from America to Scotland. I'm a witch, a Seer, an Animagus, a Parselmouth, a Metamorphagus, and I already know how to Apparate and conjure up a corporal Patronus (a unicorn) and I know twice as much magic as all the Seventh years! It's my Sorting today! Hogwarts knows how super extra special I am, so there's a ceremony dedicated to me and only me! YAY!

I walked into the Great Hall and sashayed over to McGonagall and the Sorting hat, winking at all the boys who were staring at me in rapture. Everybody was gazing at me adoringly, especially Harry, Ron and Hermione. But I ignored them because they're not good enough for me, and besides, I love Fred. As I sat down on the stool, I looked around the hall at everybody's adoring faces, and felt even more extra special than ever, until I saw the one face not looking at me. It was some stupid nerd at the Slytherin table. I knew she was a nerd because she had long icky brown hair and glasses. She was pretty, but not HAWT like me. And the worst thing was that she was rolling her eyes and thinking (I can read minds) "Aw, that's just bloody brilliant. Another effing Mary-Sue. And I already have Way to deal with! Let's just hope she's not a Slytherin."

I was outraged! This stupid nerd was insulting me and my bestie, Ebony! Clearly, I had to change this. And the only way to do that was to be sorted into-

"SLYTHERIN!" bellowed the Sorting Hat. There were moans all around because the other houses were disappointed that Slytherin got me. I was, too, because I'd wanted to be a Gryffindor. But changing this girl was more important. Everybody had to think I was perfect!

**Was that bad? I hope so. And in case you were wondering, the Slytherin girl is based on me. I hope you found it funny!**


	2. Idiot Nerd Girl

I sashayed over to the Slytherin table, their deafening shrieks of happiness and applause ringing in my ears. I flashed a dazzling smile at the HAWT boys over at the Gryffindor table, causing Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Colin, Dennis and the Weasley Twins to faint into their dinners. I sat down beside the girl who didn't adore me. She was determinedly avoiding my dazzling sparkling amber orbs that were framed with a curtain of long black lashes.

"Hi!" I said brightly. "I'm Amber Sparkles Indigo Moonlight Jones! What's your name?"

The girl looked up from her nerd book and looked at me. Her eyes were an icky boring dark brown colour, just like her hair. She raised an eyebrow sarcastically and said, "I'm not obligated to tell you that. Now, go away. I don't associate myself with Mary-Sues."

"C'mon!" I pressed. "Tell me your name! NOW!"

She ignored me, continuing to read her stupid nerdy book. I knew it was time to turn on the Jones Charm. Mom had taught me it before she and the rest of my kind had been tragically killed in a huge massive like really big accident when I was but an infant. I pressed the heart-shaped jewel-incrusted birthmark on my hand and let out a wave of my irresistible charming powers.

"Now," I said sweetly, "you will tell me your name. Then, you will fall to your knees and begin to worship me, like you should, as I am infinitely superior to you. Got it?"

The girl turned to me, very slowly. She stared right into my luscious glowing dark golden orbs, and for the first time in my life, I felt uncomfortable.

"No." The girl said in a deadly whisper. "Your Sue-Powers will not work on me, for I am Megan Lycaster, daughter of Queen Lycaster, the powerful sorceress, and Likolas, brother of the awesome Legolas. And if you dare cross my path once more, your powers will fail to work on others, too, until you are left as _nothing._"

With that, she turned her head away from me and began to read and eat simultaneously. I twirled a lock of my shining, glowing, sparkling lilac waterfall of hair, and to my horror, I found that it was a dull brown colour. Panicking, I tried to change it back, but it wouldn't work. Even worse, when I turned around to look at the HAWT Gryffindor boys some more, they had all come to, and weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to me.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME?


	3. The Mary Sue Hunter

**Megan's POV**

I ate my dinner and read my book in silence, while determinedly ignoring Amber. I decided long ago that I would not associate myself directly with my Sue-Prey.

My name is Megan Jennifer Lycaster, and as you may have noticed, I have only three names. I'm fifteen, a Slytherin, and rather not-friendly. I have a very difficult, mysterious and above all, dangerous job - I'm a Mary-Sue Hunter.

You get Sues all the time where I come from. It's always the same - some insane fangirl shows up,and decides to write a fanfiction. She makes herself totally powerful and perfect and, er, as they say, HAWT (I think I just threw up in my mouth!) inserts herself into the story, and then ships herself with whatever character she fangirls over - be it Sirus, Snape, Remus or Ron, it always happens. It's my job to hunt down these Sues and stop their canon rape!

When reading the words "Mary-Sue Hunter", you might think that I literally hunt down the Sues and shoot them with my bow and arrow or something, then eat them for my Christmas dinner. Well, newsflash; I'M JEWISH! And also, I don't actually _hunt _them. I find them, and then I use my powers (and before you say that _I'm _a Sue because I have powers, remember this: I'm a freaking witch) to slowly strip them of their powers. First, I take away their beauty. Then, I take away their "talent", i.e. Unnatural perfection, and finally, I rob them of their allure; the thing that makes every character in the history of ever want to sex them, right there on the Hufflepuff table. I speak from experience; Ebony/Enoby/Egogy/Ebobby/Tara once did that with Harry. 'Twas not pretty.

Anyway, my whole family have been Sue-Hunters. My mother, Queen Annabeth "Not-Chase" Lycaster was one, as was her mother, and her mother, and her mother, and her -actually, _that _one didn't have a mother, she had two dads. Fabulous, amirite? Well, the slightly more feminine dad was a Sue Hunter. And now I'm one. With my Sue-Banishing powers from the Lycaster witches and wizard, and also my weird pointy ears from my elf father Likolas, I am unstoppable.

_The Next Day . . ._

I was walking back from my Transfiguration class. As expected, Amber had completed the task with no effort whatsoever, and was then rewarded with no homework forever from any class she may take in her life. My powers don't work instantaneously, of course - it takes time for them to truly take effect. Her hair was brown now, and it had lost its sparkle - the first stage of the transition was taking effect.

After classes were over, I met up with my best - and only - friend, Draco Malfoy, in the library. After the catastrophic events of My Immortal, I cast a spell on Draco, making him immune to the Sue's allure. He is now my best friend, and my partner in Sue-Hunting.

"What's your report on Amber?" Draco asked me.

"Her powers are fading, slowly but surely," I replied. "Her hair, for instance, is no longer sparkly and purple, but mouse brown. And I think I saw her eyes dulling, too - It's a safe bet that they'll be a dull dark grey by morning."

"That's good," said Draco. "But these test results say otherwise."

"What do you mean?" I asked Draco, raising an eyebrow. My plans never fail - well, except for that one time - and that other time - and My Freaking Immortal - and also my trip to Venice - you know what, never mind. But anyway, my plans don't fail _often._

"Look," said Draco, shoving some papers under my nose. "These test results suggest that Miss Jones here might be much more powerful than we thought."

"Like, Ebony Way powerful?" I asked.

"No, no," Draco said, "More like Bella Swan powerful."

I chuckled as I remembered my visit to Forks. Let's just say, Bella won't be describing Edward's dazzling amazing sparkly appearance in every other sentence for a _long _time. Also, I wiped Renesmee's memory, renamed her Julie and sent her to PBS to be on Barney &amp; Friends. I think she's happier there.

"Well, Bella wasn't that powerful," I said to Draco. "I mean, she needed Twilight Sparkles and Wannabe Sirius Black to save her from every situation! That's not powerful!"

"I know that!" said Draco. "What I mean is, like Bella, she might never go away. She's fighting your powers, you see. She's just going to keep on struggling from your bonds until you collapse and die. We might have another Ebony on our hands."

I let this sink in. Another Ebony, with Bella Sue Swan added as well? Amber Sparkles Indigo Moonlight Jones was a harder opponent than I'd originally thought. I had to come up with a strategy.

After hours of thinking up and rejecting plan after plan, I finally came up with something that worked.

"I know!" I said. "I know what we'll have to do!"

"What?!" Draco asked excitedly.

"We have to turn her into Ebony!" I said.

Draco's face slipped from ecstasy to confusion in seconds. "What?" he repeated, this time without enthusiasm.

"What do most, if not all, Sues have in common?" I asked. Without waiting for an answer, I said, "They hate being Sues!"

"What are you - "

"The thing with Amber," I pressed on, interrupting Draco, "Is that she's aware that she is a Mary-Sue. She revels in it; unlike most Sues, who think that their beauty and brains and perfection is a curse. What we have to do is make Amber hate that she's a Sue; by the end of it, she'll be _begging _us to destroy her!"

Draco's face once again slipped, this time into a wide grin. "You're a genius, Megan!" he said. "But how do we make her hate being a Sue?"

I snickered, for my Sue-Hunting mind had already formed a plan. "Oh, you'll see . . ."

**Well, I finally updated! Thanks to Codename Jellybean and Moonlight Lantern for their reviews, they really motivated me! Hopefully I'll get a chance to update soon. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Befriending Amber

_**A.N. I've decided that the rest of the chapters will be from Megan's POV, as my plan for this story has changed drastically since I started it. I'd also like to thank Moonlight Lantern and Guest reviewers Kate and Guest for their reviews.**_

"Do I really have to do this?" I groaned.

"Yes, you do," said Draco. "For Hogwarts, and for your own sanity."

I sighed grumpily. "Fine!" I said. "Wish me luck, because I'll sure as Hell need it."

Draco and I had decided to put our plan into action. But to do that, we needed to bring out the big guns. We had to . . . be nice to the Sue.

*cue dramatic piano music*

I spun on my heel and trudged over to Amber. To my dismay, I saw that her hair was purple and sparkly again - this one was stronger than I thought! She was sharing her cliched tragic backstory with some Ravenclaw first years who just looked like they wanted to get the Hell out of there (A Sue's allure only lasts for so long, y'see. After a while, the other characters start to realise just how annoying the Mary-Sue truly is.)

" . . . When the men invaded, they killed all of my people," Amber was saying cheerfully. For someone who had such a tragic past, she sure was an upbeat little shit. "But I was, like, really hot, so they kept me as a sex slave."

"Weren't you six?" asked one of the Ravenclaw kids.

"They kept me for two years and constantly raped and abused me," Amber continued as if she hadn't heard him. "I finally managed to escape when I made a wand out of a bit of driftwood and made them explode."

"There's no exploding curse!" the other Ravenclaw kid said indignantly.

"I made it up myself," Amber said.

". . .Right," said the Ravenclaw kid sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Because all eight year old girls can do that."

I sighed. I had heard enough! I forced a cheery grin onto my face and tapped Amber on her slim brown shoulder. She was very skinny for someone with such a huge chest. Skinny enough to be anorexic, in fact, but by some fanfiction miracle, it didn't look ridiculous.

"Hi, Amber!" I said loudly, cringing by the cheeriness in my voice.

"Oh, hello, Megan!" Amber cheered, getting up and hugging me. I let out a hissing noise and tried to pull away, but Amber was somehow able to hold on, despite her skinny, unmuscled arms. The Ravenclaw kids mouthed a "Thank-You" at me, before running away as fast as their legs could carry them.

Little twerps, not even bothering to SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL!

"Amber," I said through gritted teeth, "Your hair. It's purple again."

"I know!" Amber said cheerfully, her sugar-sweet voice enough to give a person diabetes. "It went, like, really weird, but now it's not weird any more! HURRAY!"

". . . yay?" I said weakly. I decided to press forward with my plan - I had to escape, NOW!

"ListenAmberI'msorryIwassorudetoyouI'dlikeitifwecouldstartoverandbefriends!" I said, before sucking in a large gasp of breath. I prayed I'd never have to say anything that revolting ever again.

"OF COURSE!" cheered Amber loudly, earning us some stares and giggles. "I need all the friends I can get, now! Everyone's avoiding me for some reason. LOUD EXCLAMATION! Maybe I should be even PRETTIER and HAPPIER! That'll make people LOVE ME AGAIN!"

"Yeah . . . you do that . . ." I said. _"KillmenowkillmenowkillmenowkillmeRIGHTNOW!" _I thought. "Let's meet up tonight! Meet me and my friend Draco in the astronomy tower tonight, OK?"

"SURE!" said Amber as she went off to harass some more Ravenclaws. I put my head in my hands.

_"Dear God, what have I done?!_"


End file.
